Confession

Yesterday was hard.  I was just winding down from AJ's 2nd birthday party the day before, heading to church, when it hit me.  Our baby was due this month, but we lost the precious one back in September.  I had a really hard time holding it together during worship, but with my nieces on either side of me, I had to.  Back in September, I was sad, but I really trusted the Lord through everything.  My husband seemed to take it a lot harder.  However, until yesterday, what I struggled with the most since the miscarriage, trying everything we could for months on end, was that maybe that was my last chance, that maybe the Lord just doesn't see fit to bless us with another child.

I realize that I am definately not the only one who battles every day, trying to be faithful to the God of creation and trust completely in Him in this situation, knowing that I have an absolutely beautiful, sweet little girl! God didn't have to give me AJ, but He did, and I am so very thankful...But then I despair.  I am a wretched sinner!

Here is my worst confession...And I know with all of my heart that I am wrong, that God does NOT work this way: Like I mentioned about a week ago, I had broken down with SDK about my inability to keep my life organized.  I knew this shouldn't be such a big crazy deal!! Well, after many tears, I realized that deep inside, I thought if I could just prove to God that I could be a good, organized wife and mother, that maybe He would give me another child.

I know...So wrong, but this is very honest.  It is okay that I was sad to lose our baby, it was okay for me to be sad yesterday, but it is not okay for me to think my Lord can be bargained with! It is not okay to dwell on those around me who conceive just by thinking about it, and wonder why not me? Godly sorrow produces repentance without regret, but worldly sorrow produces death (2 Corinthians 7:10) And those thoughts were definately killing me! I'm sure I was grieving the Lord.

I will definately struggle...I know those days are not over, but hopefuly I will trust the Lord's will, no matter what it is, more and more every day!  And I will continue to better my home, not to barter with God, but out of love for my beautiful husband and daughter.